


Captain America vs The Edraculator

by Welfycat



Series: The Porny Adventures of Captain America [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Porn Watching, Vampire Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-18
Updated: 2012-05-18
Packaged: 2017-11-05 14:29:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welfycat/pseuds/Welfycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a few weeks and now Captain America is hunting a sex-vampire. Tony still thinks he's okay with it, but the rest of the team doesn't seem so sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain America vs The Edraculator

**Author's Note:**

> Content Notes: Fictional description (in a pornographic film) of sexual activity coerced by a vampire, and non-graphic deaths resulting from the situation.  
> Author Notes: Yes, there will be more of this series in the near future.

It had been two weeks since the team viewing of _Captain America vs Mega Dildotron 2000_ and for the most part Tony had put the experience from his mind. Of course, Tony had nearly laughed out loud the first time Steve had said "for justice!" when they'd encountered a rather desperate scientist who had partially turned himself into an evil giant snake. But, other than that and the way Tony now watched the way Steve's muscles moved under his Captain America uniform, nothing had really changed.

Their latest disaster of the week had left Tony with a crushed Iron Man glove and the fingers and palm of his right hand deeply bruised. It hurt enough that Tony didn't even want to go back to work right away. The rest of the team had escaped with only minor scrapes and bruises and had all scattered upon their return to the Stark Tower. After a brief stop in the kitchen to get a glass of his best imported lager, Tony found the favored living room completely empty for once and settled in his armchair with his lager, an ice pack, and the remote control that Clint had eventually produced from somewhere in the ceiling.

Tony idly flipped through the channels, wondering what was the point of getting every channel that was broadcast throughout the entire world when there was still nothing to watch. While trying to decide if it was worth his time to create his own television network or movie studio, along with hiring the people to create shows he might actually want to watch, Tony opened up the DVR folder and stared dumbfounded at the sheer number of programs that had been recorded. This was the problem with sharing space with other people, Tony thought as he scrolled through the wide variety of things that had been recorded. There was everything from serial crime dramas to slice of life Japanese schoolgirl anime to reality shows about what clothes people shouldn't wear. Tony secretly hoped that the one about clothes was Steve's recording because someone really needed to catch him up on clothing styles from the past seventy years, preferably skipping the seventies and eighties all together.

Mostly Tony had no idea who would have recorded what shows; frankly he couldn't imagine anyone on the Avengers sitting down to watch _Dress Wars: Bridesmaids Do Battle_. Tony knew from watching five minutes that it wasn't nearly as exciting as the title made it out to be. Just about to give up altogether and go crank up some music while he started running tensile strength tests on various parts of his Iron Man suit, Tony reached the top of the recording list and found _Captain America vs The Edraculator_. Since that couldn't possibly be what it sounded like Tony pressed play and fast forwarded through the commercials the beginning of the recording had caught.

"No way," Tony said to himself as he set down his half finished lager and stared at the very familiar face on the screen. It was the fake Captain America, the same one from the dildo robot movie, standing in front of an American flag looking into the distance with an impressively patriotic expression. "And they call me a threat to national security," Tony added under his breath as the camera focused on the bulge that Captain America's uniform emphasized quite nicely.

Tony was somewhat impressed to learn that they had added an entire opening credit sequence, filled with Captain America stoically examining an array of dildos, bending down to rescue a group of naked people from a giant empty fish tank of some kind, and with his uniform half off as he was drenched in more of the white liquid they'd so favored in the last film.

"There's another one?" Natasha asked from the couch.

Tony resolutely did not jump even though he had not seen her enter the room. "Seems that way. Whatever an Edraculator is, I guess we'll find out soon enough. Steve's still at SHIELD, right?"

"Should be. He was debriefing with Coulson and Fury. After that mess I think they'll be a while," Natasha said. "Speaking of which, how is your hand?"

"Shh, it's starting," Clint said from somewhere in the room.

Tony looked around, checking all along the edges of the ceiling and the tops of furniture before giving up. "I'm fine, thanks for asking," he called.

"I did ask," Natasha pointed out.

"I'm fine, thank you," Tony said, keeping his sarcasm as muted as he could manage when directed at a woman who could kill him without even thinking about it.

Natasha arched her eyebrows elegantly in response and returned her gaze to the TV.

Tony followed suit and watched in confusion as the movie started with a scene in black and white of a man in what looked like a viking costume sprawled on a bed of furs while he was being blown by a somewhat attractive man. Since there was no sign of Captain America, and while the men in the scene were reasonably attractive but not anything you couldn't find on the internet, Tony allowed his attention to wander for a brief moment and found Bruce leaning against the doorframe with a bemused expression.

Bruce met Tony's gaze and shrugged before entering and sitting in the armchair opposite Tony.

"Whoa," Clint's voice came from somewhere in the room.

Tony turned back to the TV to find the viking in a long continuous orgasm, with the other man not drawing back until the viking stopped moving completely. When the man withdrew, he turned to the camera and grinned to reveal a pair of fangs. If that wasn't enough to elucidate what exactly an Edraculator was, the man dumped the viking on the floor to illustrate that he was dead, and then picked up his cape from a rough wooden stool and left. Several more scenes played in quick succession, the same man in what was obviously the late middle ages, and then the victorian era, and then just before the second World War. Each time he would have a man or a woman, or two, and would drain them of life through their orgasm and then lick his lips dramatically. Steve would have been right at home in the last scene with the couple in the stereotypical 1940's family house, Tony thought as he absently bumped his wounded hand against his glass of lager.

The series of black and white scenes finished as the camera pulled away to reveal Captain America standing in what was a reasonable approximation of a SHIELD briefing room watching the reel with Director Fury at his side. Tony was once again impressed with the porn studio's casting department because if Tony didn't know better he'd say that was actually Nick Fury standing with his arms folded as he considered the end of the pornographic clip show. If Tony was a lesser man he would have complained that there would have been no way for the viking and middle ages scenes to have been captured on film, but since joining the Avengers he had developed a healthy suspension of disbelief. For all he knew the SHIELD in the porn universe had come up with a time traveling film crew or something - that probably traveled around in a little blue box searching for pornographic alien incursions.

"Your mission, Captain, is to find the Edraculator and stop him for once and for all. He only comes out of hibernation for one week every twenty years, but during that time he drains nearly forty people of their lives. If his current pattern holds he will seek out his next victims in a densely populated city somewhere on the eastern coast of the United States of America," Fury said, pacing across the room with his leather coat flapping open behind him. In the movie Fury's pants were also leather, as was the shirt he was wearing under the coat. Tony had to admit that the effect was nice, but the guy had to be absolutely sweltering in all that.

"I understand, sir," Captain America said, a little furrow appearing between his eyebrows. "Do you have any suggestions as how I'm to kill something that's been alive for hundreds of years?"

Fury turned back, his mixed expression of personal amusement and irritation something with which Tony was intimately familiar. "I believe that's why we hired you, Captain. I expect results, or else. Dismissed!"

"Yes, sir!" Captain America jumped to an even tighter attention before turning and marching from the room.

"They have depicted Fury as being dishonorable. He would not dismiss one of his friends who was in need of assistance," Thor said from where he was sitting on the couch next to Natasha.

Tony, who had been focused on how Captain America's costume was definitely tighter than Steve's - which until this moment he hadn't thought possible - jumped a just a little. He was losing his touch if Thor could sneak up on him; Natasha and Clint were one thing, they were supposed to be able to do that.

Clint snorted from somewhere in the room, Tony was starting to suspect the main vent that ran through the ceiling, and privately he agreed. Fury had his own agenda and it wouldn't always coincide with Tony's, or even with the Avengers as a whole.

The movie went into a vampire-killing training montage, complete with a soundtrack filled with power chords and Captain America losing more and more clothing each time until he was finally practicing some kind of martial arts in only a very patriotic thong. Tony filed that particular item away in his mind for gift giving occasions in the very distant future when Steve had developed a sense of humor that was appropriate for a guy living in the current decade.

A few minutes later and Captain America, back in full costume, was sneaking into a New York brownstone building and following the sounds of debauchery that were coming from the upper level. In one hand he was holding his shield and in the other he was holding something that looked suspiciously like a dildo, except for it was sharp at the end that should absolutely not be sharp. Tony thought about it for a minute and realized that it was a dildo-stake, which was just wrong on so many levels. He wondered if the director had a seriously gore fetish, because if Captain America plunged that into the Edraculator's chest it was going to be bloody and messy regardless of the symbolism.

Captain America reached the top of the stairs and stealthily peered around the door frame to where there were already three bodies on the floor and two men in the middle of an enormous bed that would put Tony's to shame. Tony made a mental note that it was time to get a bigger bed because if it couldn't theoretically hold a full-sized orgy, it just wasn't big enough.

"Edraculator, unhand him immediately!" Captain America called, stepping into the doorway looking incredibly heroic.

The Edraculator kept moving his mouth up and down, only his eyes moving to the side indicating that he'd heard the command.

"I will not give you another chance. Let him go," Captain America said, taking another heavy step forward and raising his shield.

It was too late, the man beneath the Edraculator arching up and shaking as he orgasmed. Captain America looked on in horror as the Edraculator drank and then leaned back, licking liquid from his full lips and letting his eyes flutter closed. Now that Tony could get a better look, the Edraculator wasn't actually all that bad looking. He was slender with his coppery hair in thick wavy mess around his face. His eyes were golden and his skin pale, and he looked like was probably in college and doing the film so he could pay tuition. It didn't hurt at all that he was very nicely hung.

"You don't understand," the Edraculator said, opening his eyes and staring directly at Captain America.

Captain America took a step forward, his shield dropping slightly as he lost his expression of righteous anger. "What don't I understand? You killed these people."

"Don't look into his eyes, don't ever look into a vampire's eyes," Bruce said quietly as he folded his arms and very nearly pouted. "Don't you read?"

Tony raised his eyebrows and glanced over to find Natasha smiling with an expression that Tony would call fond if it was on anyone else. On Natasha it probably just meant that she'd hesitate for a moment before she decided to go for the kill.

"I have been alone for centuries, wandering, lost, at the mercy of this world where there is no mercy to be found," the Edraculator said, drawing Captain America in closer. "I kill to survive, just as any animal does, just as any human would. But I give them a gift, which is more than anyone else takes the time to do."

"A gift?" Captain America asked, his polite confusion obvious.

The Edraculator nodded. "Yes, a gift. The greatest pleasure they have ever known. The greatest pleasure anyone will ever know."

"Cocky bastard," Tony muttered to himself. There was no way that twink of a college kid was _greatest pleasure anyone would ever know_ ; his technique wasn't that good from what Tony had seen - not that Tony was watching that closely.

"But they're dead," Captain America insisted. "You killed innocent people when you've already had the opportunity for a long and fulfilling life. It's not in the natural order. Perhaps..."

"Perhaps?" the Edraculator asked, his thick eyebrows swooping up dramatically.

"Perhaps if you were willing to cooperate, I could take you into custody. There are places you could go where you wouldn't have to hurt anyone," Captain America said, visibly warming to the idea, his shield now held loosely at his side.

Tony sighed. It never ended well when Steve wanted to negotiate with the enemy.

"And be bottle-fed for the rest of my internment here on this miserable planet? I think not," the Edraculator said indignantly. "You think I haven't raided a sperm bank or two in my time? It's a paltry substitute. No, I think I will have to decline your magnanimous offer. But you, you I shall have for myself. I've hardly begun my search and I hunger so."

Captain America yanked his shield up just in time to rebuff the charge of the Edraculator. They stood at a standoff, the Edraculator naked and sweating, and, shimmering?

There was a thunk from the ceiling, confirming Clint's location. Apparently watching porn threw off Clint's senses of balance and stealth entirely. "Is that vampire sparkling?" he demanded.

"Is nothing sacred?" Bruce asked with a shake of his head.

The next time the Edraculator darted forward Captain America was ready with the dildo-stake pointed at an angle and his body braced for impact. Tony closed his eyes in anticipation, there were some things he really didn't need to see and he saw so many of them anyway that he protected the last sanctuaries of his mind where he could. When there was no sounds indicating that the Edraculator had been impaled, Tony cautiously opened one eye and then the other.

Captain America was standing without his shield or the dildo-stake, looking absolutely bewildered. The Edraculator laughed, this porn studio was fond of the maniacal laugh, and discarded the shield and the didlo-stake on the floor across the room.

"You are not the only one with super strength and super speed," the Edraculator said. Moments later, in what was probably intended to be an artistic blur of speed but mostly came off as rather cheesy, Captain America was sprawled naked on the bed with his wrists pinned to the mattress by one of the Edraculator's hands. "Any final words before you are reduced to moans of pleasure?"

Captain America's muscles tensed as he struggled against the Edraculator's grip. Considering the size differential it seemed rather ridiculous that Captain America couldn't push the Edraculator off, but they made it almost work. Finally he stopped struggling even though his muscles did not relax. "You meant it, when you said that it is the greatest pleasure?"

The Edraculator nodded, licking his lips before leaning down to lick the skin near Captain America's ear. "I meant it. You've never experienced anything like it before, I promise," he whispered.

When the Edraculator leaned back Captain America blinked once and nodded, his body going lax underneath the Edraculator's grip. The Edraculator, seeming sure of his victory, let go of Captain America's wrists and edged down the bed so that he was nuzzling against Captain America's easily parted thighs.

Tony waited for Captain America to leap up and grab the dildo-stake, or break the Edraculator's neck, or something, but instead Captain America relaxed and then let out a soft moan when the Edraculator took him into his mouth. The thought that Captain America should be fighting back while he had the opportunity was washed away, though Tony didn't exactly blame him for not wanting to interrupting what looked like a very decent blow job. Instead Tony became focused on the small movements Captain America's body made as he was pleasured, the way the muscles in his thighs and stomach tightened and relaxed, the way his hands wandered every few seconds like he didn't know what to do with them, and the way his lips parted and his eyes widened and then slipped closed. Tony found himself wondering what it would be like to be kneeling in between Steve's legs, if Steve would make those small noises that almost sounded like a whimper.

In the moment Tony nearly forgot that everyone else was in the room, watching this with him, and he felt a cold shiver as he tore his gaze away to find Natasha and Bruce both looking rapt and Thor very interested. Tony imagined that Clint was probably sprawled in the duct with his face against the vent as he watched from above.

Since there was no way they would actually kill Captain America, not if this series was popular enough to get a sequel, Tony turned his attention back to the TV and watched curiously as Captain America shuddered as he orgasmed, his hands finally clenching in the Edraculator's wild mane of hair.

When the Edraculator leaned back, doing the lip licking thing again, he blinked in surprise as he realized that Captain America was watching him.

"I'm special," Captain America said, pushing himself up on his elbows. "But I have to admit that was almost the greatest pleasure I've ever felt."

"Almost?" the Edraculator asked, frowning as he touched his lips. "And what, may I ask, was your greatest pleasure?"

Captain America smiled, that same victorious smile that made Tony take a sudden deep breath. "Defeating you and ending your reign of death."

The Edraculator looked bizarrely horrified as he collapsed into a CGI failure of a man turning into dust.

"What exactly are they saying about Captain America?" Natasha asked as she stared at the pile of dust that had coated the still nude and sweaty Captain America on screen.

Before anyone could answer, Captain America rolled off the bed and picked up the phone from the bedside table. He dialed a number and held the receiver to his ear. "When the Hulk returns tell him his garlic serum worked perfectly. Thank you."

Tony stared at the other armchair where Bruce was staring at the screen with his eyes and mouth open wide. Everyone else was staring at Bruce too as the ending credits started to roll.

"Bruce, how are you feeling?" Tony asked, wondering how bad the damage would be if the Hulk suddenly appeared in his living room, and how quickly he could reach the still working parts of his suit.

Bruce's mouth shut with a click. "Concerned," he said finally. He stood up and walked from the room, leaving everyone else in an equally concerned silence.

The air vent in the ceiling popped open and Clint stuck his head down. "Do you think the rest of us are going to wind up in these things? Because while I think I'm hot enough to be in porn, and the rest of you are pretty good too, I don't know how I feel about being in porn with the Hulk. Like, bad things incoming, if you get my drift."

"Uh huh," Tony said. While he agreed in theory, his mind had already wandered to what might happen if someone who was attractive as he was wound up in a porno with someone as attractive as Steve. There was really only one logical conclusion.


End file.
